I regret to inform you that Mr. Eliot Stein has passed away.
The last five days have been tumultuous, to say the least, for Mr. Stein. Friday morning he came to me (in the Emergency Room) with an infection resulting from poor wound care relating to a prior asshole-knifing incident. At first we treated him with antibiotics, but the infection grew worse and worse despite our best efforts. After two days of Vancomycin and seventy-eight other drugs which Mr. Stein takes daily, it became obvious that there was no hope. We placed him under palliative care for his remaining hours, but due to his frequent hospitalizations the pain medications were ineffective and he suffered greatly. His mournful wailing and desperate pleas for help will I'm sure haunt at least some of the hospital staff for an undetermined amount of time (maybe?).
One simply cannot go through life without maintaining any kind of standards of personal hygiene and expect to live to old age. Not to mention that Eliot Stein had the highest body-mass-index that modern medicine has ever recorded. He basically consisted of four hundred fifty-four pounds of soft useless fat, over a deteriorating overworked skeleton and small thin muscles barely able to move his fleshy appendages. Eliot Stein, essentially, was a Super-Sized barely ambulatory breeding ground for a multitude of bacteria colonies, moving about human society with an apparent total and complete lack of self-awareness; unaware that he was but a host for greater beings. He led a life marked by delusions of grandeur, an inability to succeed at anything long-term, and crippling social retardation. He died with no dignity; pissing and shitting himself while mumbling gibberish about his imagined adequacy, totally alone, without love from friends or family. He is survived by no one worth mentioning.
Before he died he was able to type one last entry to his Diary. Here it is in it's entirety:
Dear Readers, Friends and Family,
I knew the day would come when I would have to write a post knowing that it would be my last. However it gives me the chance to share some inconvenient truths about myself which I could never admit before I accepted my inevitable fate. Over the last few days I've come to realize a few things about myself; things which may surprise you or things which you may already have guessed. Only Yahweh can judge me now though; something I'm not looking forward to.
As you're no doubt aware, I've spent most of my life pursuing failed attempts at success, or at the very least, relevance. I've attacked innocent people, including teenage kids, in vicious ways for no reason other than to make myself feel better about my pathetic wasted life. Before my archenemy's (or as she would say, "who the fuck is Eliot Stein?") death, only a handful of people knew or cared that I even existed. My small bit of fame is due solely to the fact that she allowed my sorry name to grace the sentences in her admittedly witty and hilarious writing.
My vengeful and possibly pedo-related harassment and tormenting of her daughter (who will undoubtedly surpass my level of success in life, at a much younger age) was inexcusable and does not pass muster for adult behavior in a civilized society. In fact, what I did to her forever marked me as a social outcast and a public enemy, and for that I am deeply regretful.
Some of you will remember when I lost my job due to bizarre, irresponsible, and outright juvenile behavior. Even though I am a grown man who should know how to interact with adolescents in an appropriate way, I took the low road and attacked a teenager as if she were my peer. In true Eliot Stein fashion, I then blamed her and her mother for the consequences of my own choices and actions. To atone for that, I publicly acknowledge that I have always been and shall always remain a lesser person than either of them, and I beg forgiveness for my envy-inspired vendetta.
I would also like to take the time to tell you my true feelings about George W. Bush. Even though I have spent a considerable amount of my time editorializing about how he is the world's biggest terrorist and 9/11 mastermind, I want to publicly proclaim, here on my deathbed, my secret envy of President Bush. You see, I've always been jealous of how this man, who is years older than me, could be so handsome and in such good shape, while I have deteriorated over the years into a sexless, flabby, revolting fat unpopular nerd. Let's admit it; I'm just a whole lotta fat n' ugly in the same place at the same time. I look like Humpty Dumpty's fat brother. I have D-sized female breasts with translucent areolas and nipples that point downward, my asscrack starts halfway up my back, my penis has no practical use due to excessive surrounding layers of pubic fat, my weak feminine chin is unflatteringly contrasted by a disgusting fleshy fat pouch, men hate me, women look away when they see me, and I have absolutely no supporters in real life or on the internet, except for a loser named Luke Chevy or something.
I envy George Bush because he makes an effort to care for his body, and I hate conservative men in general because they possess a manly quality which I have always lacked but desired. I hate them because I wish I could be them.
Well, I guess I could have been, but chose not to. My bitter rage is but a symptom of my own failure in life. I should have tried harder.
I now realize that my destiny is to be relegated to the sad wasteland of human irrelevance, notable only for my singular knack for poor judgement and misdirected cruelty. I have seen the error of my ways, and I deeply hope all of you will find it in your hearts to forgive me.
Love and Peace,
Eliot Stein
[closes eyes and jerks off to mental image of George Bush; dies]
